Birdmad Girl (sortastuck) wrote,
Birdmad Girl

fuck this

I don't know what's wrong with me. I started out with a plan to eat about 500 calories. I was at 230 or something when we went to the grocery store (where I planned to buy a loaf of low-cal bread) but the store was way overpriced so I didn't end up buying anything. But they had the bread in the bakery section, so everywhere I looked there was cake, cookies, bagels, my favorite brand of packaged bear claws that I haven't had since I was a kid (they were way overpriced and I'm way too broke for them).... Then the insatiable mania of hunger struck.

When I got home I was all by myself and going crazy for food. I cooked three eggs with sausage in them, had two slices of really high calorie bread (100 a slice!) with peanut butter and cinnamon on them and that stuffed me for awhile... then the cravings came back again and all I wanted was a mt dew or some kinda syrupy, sugary soda so I drank a canned iced latte (130 cals) and ate a cereal bar (140 cals).....

I still have this feeling though. It's driving me crazy, like literally. I started feeling sad for no reason and I wanted to cry but I can't. I'm visiting a friend tomorrow and I was trying to pick out some outfits (esp. a cute one for the bar) but I just hated all my clothes and I kept thinking about the lasagna we are having tonight and how I always eat it... how much fatter it will make me if I eat it. I've already had 1400 calories today, I can't eat another 1000, and at dinner?!

Is this an anxiety attack? I wish I could just cry. Ever since I found out we were having lasagna tonight I've been acting bothered.... I hate this. I wish I had never tried to stop eating again. I can't feel this way. I just want to kill myself so I never have to feel this way again.

  • (no subject)

    Sigh... Purged today. Felt REALLY MOTHERFING GOOD! I guess I'm back on the bandwagon?

  • (no subject)

    I'm unhappy because I have to look at myself, and I don't like what I see. I'm fat. I eat too much crap, I watch too much useless TV.…

  • Grrrfish

    Wow, I really need to stop myself from slipping into the mindset I had yesterday. It's so juvenile to fantasize about offing myself just because…

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