Birdmad Girl (sortastuck) wrote,
Birdmad Girl
sortastuck

back and forth and back again

I'm leaving for Cali on Friday morning. I have some loose ends that I need to tie up before I go that I'm just now trying to scramble and do after I slept away the past week. Dear god, what is wrong with me? A whole fucking week that I had planned to clean and pack and finish homework within and all I've done is sleep all day.

The hell with  it. I'm supposed to be working on that homework right now, it's terribly important that I finish it. I can't submit my transcript to any schools until I've got it finished, and I can't make a clear decision on whether I'll be staying in Cali or coming back to MS if I don't know what my college options are. I need to get my act together before college starts in a month. The last two years have been a terrible disaster and I can't have the rest of my life be like that.

I will be a psychologist and a damn good one! And I'll work my way from there into the field of psychiatry and I'll do damn good there! It starts with this bloody biology homework - small steps are what will get me there - remember that bitch!

All the same, I don't want to be gone a whole month in Cali. I will miss my boyfriend too much, even though we hardly see each other that much. I had this gut-wrenching feeling when my mom told me my grandmother is going to pick me up tomorrow for the trip. I've done nothing, prepared nothing... and I don't want to leave my boyfriend. I hope my trip to California is better than I'm picturing it now. I'm imagining all the people are complete asses and that I'll feel cramped and overwhelmed by children at my uncle's house (where I'll be bunking with the kids or on the couch while I'm there). I keep worrying that they'll disapprove of me when I don't eat, like I'm setting some bad example for their kids (they have two young daughters). I was so excited when I found out I was going to Cali - I won't be stuck out in the country anymore! I can walk wherever I please and there will be a more diverse pool of people there. Then I start thinking about the assholes out there, about how guys will be more willing to take advantage of me or how all the girls will be nicely tanned with perfect white teeth and no acne... all care-free and condescending to anyone who doesn't meet their standard of effortless beauty.

What am I saying? It's not like the people out here are gems either - none of them are smarter than a box of rocks except for the uber nerds. Why am I so anxious? I'm going, end of discussion. Just need to pack - but first this homework!

Sometimes it's good to vent to a blank computer screen :)
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