(no subject)

I'm unhappy because I have to look at myself, and I don't like what I see. I'm fat. I eat too much crap, I watch too much useless TV. Ugh... I don't want to change, but I know I won't be happy unless I do. Life is hard.


Wow, I really need to stop myself from slipping into the mindset I had yesterday. It's so juvenile to fantasize about offing myself just because I feel shitty. Fuck that noise. I've got too much shit to do to go off dying.


Everything just depresses me lately. I feel so alone.

I think I'm beginning to hate myself again.

I kind of want to end it all - I really don't want to go to work tomorrow. 

check-in, one please

Haven't written for awhile. Humbling how fast life moves; haven't had the time for anything. Need to focus though and not get caught up in the rapid pace of things. Need to be on time for work, need to attend and study for class, need to see the doctor about my crazy head. Need to stop running around with so many people and focus on what's important in my life right now. Fuck all this noise - everything's a tizzy.

Always have things I need to do.... Really, I need to be back on those pills. They really helped sort out this mess I recognize as life. I keep catching myself saying "focus, focus, focus". It was so much easier when all that came naturally... I really don't want to go back to the dark place. Why can't my head regulate itself? Complicated anatomy.

writing for the health of it

 A friend told me before that it helps to get your feelings out in writing. Since I've been feeling slightly suicidal and depressed today, I think it's a good time to explore them a little. Especially since I'm supposed to be studying for a test that I may or may not have tomorrow. I'm not really certain, seeing as I haven't been to class but once in the last three or more weeks. Was really depressed back then, couldn't even drag myself out of bed for anything other than work, because being fired from would really fuck. 

Anyways. Ate an entire 10 oz bag of Reese's Pieces this morning. Ate tons of other candy and cookies. And a bowl of ramen. I wonder if I want to start keeping a food diary again. It's so addicting. Feels good doing something everyday, even if it's just keeping a simple track of what I ate. 

Eh, bored with this. Think I'll go study for that test I may or may not have.

Fall 2010

So I'm on my second week of college and apparently I'm NOT going to have an easy time of it.

To start things off, I applied to everything late: college, financial aid, apartment. I basically found out I got in the first week of classes and I only just moved my stuff into my apartment last Sunday. I thought I could finally settle down and focus on my classes and finding a job. Not so easy, because yesterday I opened up my mail and POOF! A letter from financial aid telling me that I don't qualify for financial aid (something that I NEED to pay my tuition and the bulk of my apartment lease with). I'm sending off my appeals letter today but fuck... if they don't accept it I'll be in the biggest pickle.

I shouldn't have waited this long to put everything together. I'll find out in a week whether or not I have to flee to Canada. I'm just gonna try to be optimistic - I have to

Anyways, for some odd reason I wasn't very hungry last week or much this week. I somehow dropped down to 111, which is awesome but I really need to start working out once I get everything else set aside. Weighing less doesn't make my thighs any less wobbly.

I really wanna prayer to God right now.... I haven't honestly wanted something this bad before.

This acoustic version blows my mind.

Duvet by Boa

Heard this song ages ago as the theme song to Serial Experiments Lain (a series I never properly finished). It was awesome and I've had it in my music bin for years (and still love it) but I just stumbled across the acoustic version and it's mind-blowingly beautiful. I have it playing non-stop on my end.

fuck this

I don't know what's wrong with me. I started out with a plan to eat about 500 calories. I was at 230 or something when we went to the grocery store (where I planned to buy a loaf of low-cal bread) but the store was way overpriced so I didn't end up buying anything. But they had the bread in the bakery section, so everywhere I looked there was cake, cookies, bagels, my favorite brand of packaged bear claws that I haven't had since I was a kid (they were way overpriced and I'm way too broke for them).... Then the insatiable mania of hunger struck.

When I got home I was all by myself and going crazy for food. I cooked three eggs with sausage in them, had two slices of really high calorie bread (100 a slice!) with peanut butter and cinnamon on them and that stuffed me for awhile... then the cravings came back again and all I wanted was a mt dew or some kinda syrupy, sugary soda so I drank a canned iced latte (130 cals) and ate a cereal bar (140 cals).....

I still have this feeling though. It's driving me crazy, like literally. I started feeling sad for no reason and I wanted to cry but I can't. I'm visiting a friend tomorrow and I was trying to pick out some outfits (esp. a cute one for the bar) but I just hated all my clothes and I kept thinking about the lasagna we are having tonight and how I always eat it... how much fatter it will make me if I eat it. I've already had 1400 calories today, I can't eat another 1000, and at dinner?!

Is this an anxiety attack? I wish I could just cry. Ever since I found out we were having lasagna tonight I've been acting bothered.... I hate this. I wish I had never tried to stop eating again. I can't feel this way. I just want to kill myself so I never have to feel this way again.